This pain in my chest grows stronger every day.
How much longer can I deal with it? They say, the hurt will only make you stronger; who are they anyway? Do they even know what real hurt is? Do they understand this pain that only grows stronger with every passing moment?
No, I don’t think they do.
So, for now I will hide you away and keep you in this spot they call hurt. I keep you there to remind me that ‘strength’ means I’ll never be ok.
I mean it.
via Daily Prompt: Pleased
Did it please you? To take joy in the pain I feel.
Did it? I’m so sure that it did.
I’m sure that it pleased you when I tried to explain how awful I felt; leaving you the way I did. I do regret my past transgressions, but that was overlooked by you.
Does it please you now knowing my heart will never be the same; I will never be the same.
Does it? I’m so sure that it does.
It makes you happy knowing she is exactly like me, only younger. She is the version of myself you wished I had been.
I will never be released from the pain of losing you.
Does it Please you yet?
Well, does it?
It is offical, I was told tonight I am nothing to you. It’s weird when your mind has somehow reverted back to age 19. I don’t even think that’s possible, but it’s a good excuse.
I never realized until recently that everything I’ve done the past 5 or 6 years was done in a way to avoid hurting someone I love. My past, present, and future. I just thought that it was me being me, but no my subconscious was secretly telling me something and I failed to listen.
It is 2am, I am sitting on the bathroom floor crying my eyes out. After being told by the one person you would trust with your life, your soul, your heart; that they love someone else. They are IN love with someone else. It’s like a dagger piercing it’s sharpened tip slowly into your heart. It sits there, but bit by bit it jams it’s blade into your heart straight to your soul.
It’s now 3am and I have managed to move from the bathroom floor to the bed. I feel like I just found out you died; in a way you have. I killed you a long time ago, which forced you to see I was no good. I will spend forever repenting my sins against you. You were my person, but then karma got me.
I’m sorry, I wish you knew. I would go back in time and love you all over if I could. But I can’t, so I guess I’ll just stare at these four walls and think of you and me. I’ll think of all the memories and be haunted by the past. Over and over again, it’s better than facing reality.
I always loved you; You were my one and only, my person.
For the first time in awhile I can be honest with myself and say, I know what I want when regarding the “love” category. I’d say it’s taken long enough, its been about a year and a half. I haven’t realized this until now. It slowly seems that what I once ran away from, is actually what I really do want. Coming back full circle it seems, who knew?
Back to my point, I want a relationship. I think I’ll scream it now. I WANT A DAMN RELATIONSHIP. I don’t want another relationship that I know will end. I don’t want another relationship where I lose myself in another. I don’t want a relationship where things go sour after a year. I WANT a real person to SHARE my life with. I want to travel with them, I want to share my life with them. I don’t want to hide myself, I don’t want to be shy around them. I want to be ME. Plain and simple, right? NO.
I am like the worst person on the planet at finding a mate. I find someone I am completely fallen for, and they will have nothing to do with me. Oh wait backtrack that statement to a year ago…. I was the rebound who fell in love. It has probably been the most depressing thing I have experienced in awhile. There was a point where it felt as if everything around me was ending with him, and I couldn’t take it. I attempted to do things I will always regret, and things he will never ever know that were over him. To this day I still don’t know or cannot begin to explain why I feel the way I do… I just do. I guess I could begin to explain the ways in which he makes me feel, makes me think, etc etc etc blah blah blah. I always wonder if he gets to all the other girls like this. Maybe it’s just a false hope kind of thing and I’ve fallen hard.. I’m not sure all I know is that what I feel is completely and irresistibly all for him. AND I just want him to know, BUT like previous statements that have been made in previous blogs, he will never know because then he will completely have nothing to do with me. So i will continue to be near him the best ways I know how and when he decides he doesn’t want me I guess that’s when the beans will be spilled. God, why am I such a sucker?
Anyway, back to what I want… (which is ironic because its not like I will EVER get what I want. it has never been so.) I just want someone who can relate to me on multiple levels, who I can have a real connection too, who isn’t completely irresponsible, and loves me for me. Plain and simple. I don’t even want the perfect guy, because to me there is no such thing. I don’t have completely superficial standards. Someone who I’m physically and emotionally attracted too. Someone who makes me laugh, someone who likes to kiss and cuddle. ha ha and is rational at times, but also childish at times. I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore all I know that someone has to be out there… HAS TO BE.
Or the beings who control this universe are just out to get me. I mean they already have made me miserable with my current love/friend/whatthefuckarewe status. I just don’t know what there is left to do with this. If there really is a God out there I just hope he gives me the only thing I’ve ever really really REALLY wanted to me.. it doesn’t even have to be now, just… soon? Yes… soon! Please?
Sigh… I’m rambling and I only post on xanga because no one close to me reads this and I can be assured my secret thoughts are safe where they are. If one were to read this what would you say to me? Am I blind for sticking around someone who either has an idea what he’s doing or has no idea at all? You’re probably just as lost as I am.. that’s okay at least we’re on the same boat with SOMETHING.