Did it please you?

via Daily Prompt: Pleased

Did it please you? To take joy in the pain I feel.

Did it? I’m so sure that it did.

I’m sure that it pleased you when I tried to explain how awful I felt; leaving you the way I did. I do regret my past transgressions, but that was overlooked by you.

Does it please you now knowing my heart will never be the same; I will never be the same.

Does it? I’m so sure that it does.

It makes you happy knowing she is exactly like me, only younger. She is the version of myself you wished I had been.

I will never be released from the pain of losing you.

Does it Please you yet?

Well, does it?

I loved you blindly.

via Daily Prompt: Blindly

blind·ly
ˈblīn(d)lē/ adverb – without reasoning or questioning.

I have loved you blindly for all these years. They say never to believe in things blindly; question everything. But when I was with you I never had to question, I. just. knew.  I knew without reasoning, your love for me was never-ending. The kind authors write love stories about; the kind that only exist in dreams.  I knew without questioning that you were my person; my puzzle piece.

But, we grew older and I grew scared. Even after all these years when I see you now my heart breaks a little more. You were mine, but I questioned this life and let you go. I thought, to experience life this is what I need to do. Yes, we were young and in love.. but we were in love. This love that leads you blindly through life, wanting more and craving more. This love was an adventure.

Was. 

I left you blindly, you never saw it coming. To be honest I don’t know if I did as well. I had made up my mind and without reason, I was gone. I left you, broken and alone. Thinking back now, I also left myself broken and alone. This was not my intention, this was not the plan. What happened?

I have loved you blindly for all these years. A day has not gone by that I cannot think of you and question what once was. They say never to believe in things blindly; question everything. I say, believe in things blindly, never question, love without reason; love 
Blindly

Dear you. 

|current song: Gravity’s Union| Coheed. 

Dear you,

You know it’s always been you. Even if we’ve barely spoken in a year. Even when I broke your heart because I thought I needed to experience life.  It was you there in my mind space, holding my thoughts captive like a mad man.

Dear you, it was and will always be you.

You know it will always be you, even when you move on and find someone new. Even when I cry myself to sleep because my heart is broken. Even when I blame myself for losing you. You know it will always be you.

Always. You.

If finding myself was easy.

—– If finding myself was easy i would have done it long, long ago.

Its not, and i’m still here wondering:
Who am I? and what do I want?

Now, It’s 5 in the morning and I’m stuck in my thoughts.

I need to move away. Run, far far away.
I feel like I should start over somewhere. I must have gone wrong down the line or else I wouldn’t feel this way.

The bigger question is what do I want?

I spent most of my time worrying about everyone else. Their needs, their thoughts.. etc. I cared to much, and now I wonder if that was a bad thing. Now, people mistake this kindness and run over me with it. Bah.. here I go again stressing about “other” people.

I’m starting to wonder if I will ever come in the picture.

I give to much, maybe thats a bad thing. I end up hurt often. Its no wonder I’m so negative. I’ve put this all on myself. Once again, somewhere down the line I failed. I made a wrong turn, I suppose. Now, How do I get back? What road to take.

–So many questions. I have no answers to.

My mind is racing, I feel so many emotions right now. I want to write more, but some things are better left unsaid I suppose.

Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to write all my true thoughts, but until then they shall stay locked inside of me. Where only me, myself, and I can hear them scream. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before they’re loose, but we’ll see.

I’m stubborn.

Jumbled Thoughts.

Everyday I learn something new about myself.
This month has enlightened me so much. I don’t even know where to begin.

For starters, Do I even care about you anymore? Your scare tactics never worked with me.. only pushed me away. Now I question every day if this is even what I want. You insist on asking if there is someone else.. well I can’t even answer that question. I really don’t know. I don’t trust you. and I do believe you lie way to much. You aren’t the person I thought you were.. and that just makes me sad inside. Because I really thought it was different.. the feelings i shared were different.

Its true.. I get attached to easily. I grow to like someone way to fast. Especially if I can figure them out… see their true colors before anything else. Obviously if I fall.

It is my downfall.

Because now I wonder if that little spark is felt on both parts. Not just mine. I can’t tell. I can’t decipher these mixed emotions and such. I should probably just keep my hands to myself until all is sorted out. I can’t even believe i’m writing about this. I shouldn’t let someone else in so easily. I don’t trust. I don’t love so easy. I do fall but I can’t fully love that easy. Everything is a tactic to me. Every move, every thought. Its all a game to them. So I don’t trust. I just don’t want to get hurt again.

I do realize I am just a rebound. a sad sad rebound. but I can’t help but hope that when I think about it.. it isn’t true. But I know it is, and its starting to break me apart.

Bit by every little bit. I’m starting to feel something more then what I thought it would be. and I just know its not felt the same towards me. No matter how much I want it to be true.

I’m just lying to myself.