Epiphany.

For the first time in awhile I can be honest with myself and say, I know what I want when regarding the “love” category. I’d say it’s taken long enough, its been about a year and a half. I haven’t realized this until now. It slowly seems that what I once ran away from, is actually what I really do want. Coming back full circle it seems, who knew? 

Back to my point, I want a relationship. I think I’ll scream it now. I WANT A DAMN RELATIONSHIP. I don’t want another relationship that I know will end. I don’t want another relationship where I lose myself in another. I don’t want a relationship where things go sour after a year. I WANT a real person to SHARE my life with. I want to travel with them, I want to share my life with them. I don’t want to hide myself, I don’t want to be shy around them. I want to be ME. Plain and simple, right? NO.

I am like the worst person on the planet at finding a mate. I find someone I am completely fallen for, and they will have nothing to do with me. Oh wait backtrack that statement to a year ago…. I was the rebound who fell in love. It has probably been the most depressing thing I have experienced in awhile. There was a point where it felt as if everything around me was ending with him, and I couldn’t take it. I attempted to do things I will always regret, and things he will never ever know that were over him. To this day I still don’t know or cannot begin to explain why I feel the way I do… I just do. I guess I could begin to explain the ways in which he makes me feel, makes me think, etc etc etc blah blah blah. I always wonder if he gets to all the other girls like this. Maybe it’s just a false hope kind of thing and I’ve fallen hard.. I’m not sure all I know is that what I feel is completely and irresistibly all for him. AND I just want him to know, BUT like previous statements that have been made in previous blogs, he will never know because then he will completely have nothing to do with me. So i will continue to be near him the best ways I know how and when he decides he doesn’t want me I guess that’s when the beans will be spilled. God, why am I such a sucker? :/

Anyway, back to what I want… (which is ironic because its not like I will EVER get what I want. it has never been so.) I just want someone who can relate to me on multiple levels, who I can have a real connection too, who isn’t completely irresponsible, and loves me for me. Plain and simple. I don’t even want the perfect guy, because to me there is no such thing. I don’t have completely superficial standards. Someone who I’m physically and emotionally attracted too. Someone who makes me laugh, someone who likes to kiss and cuddle. ha ha and is rational at times, but also childish at times. I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore all I know that someone has to be out there… HAS TO BE. 

Or the beings who control this universe are just out to get me. I mean they already have made me miserable with my current love/friend/whatthefuckarewe status. I just don’t know what there is left to do with this. If there really is a God out there I just hope he gives me the only thing I’ve ever really really REALLY wanted to me.. it doesn’t even have to be now, just… soon? Yes… soon! Please? 
Sigh… I’m rambling and I only post on xanga because no one close to me reads this and I can be assured my secret thoughts are safe where they are. If one were to read this what would you say to me? Am I blind for sticking around someone who either has an idea what he’s doing or has no idea at all? You’re probably just as lost as I am.. that’s okay at least we’re on the same boat with SOMETHING. 

-CC

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If I told you.

Its been awhile since I’ve written. Not a lot has changed if I do say so myself.

Its hard to think that you could spend 5 years with someone and some how its just so easy to put everything on hold with them for another. How? I honestly don’t know.
I just don’t understand my logic, brain, thoughts, emotions… anything, anymore.

If I could, I would give the world to someone. He would never know this. and he never will know this.
He makes me smile
Then he makes me cry.
He makes me feel on top of the world, but yet he can take that all away in moments.
He makes me feel like i can do anything.
Then he makes me feel like I will always be this.

Like I said though, he doesn’t know this, and he never will.

Certain reasons prevent me from ever expressing my feelings for him. I know its pathetic, but its true.

First of all, I don’t even think he likes me? Sure he may care for me, but not the way I care for him.
Secondly, I’m not good enough for him. Just looking at me, then looking at him, then taking a NICE long look at me one more time… anyone could see it.

Im shy.
Nerdy.
Odd.
According to him (unfortunately) I have no opinions.
Im bored.
Unordinary.
Not very smart.

It makes me sad thinking about it, but I just wish I could be everything for him. He doesn’t notice me.. even if he claims he does. 😦 I’m just Chelsea. Nothing more to it. I feel as if I’ll always be this person. I’m pretty sure I push him away everyday. Im so negative. I know he doesn’t want to be around it.

but then why does he? Why does he stay?

Sure i bet being friends with benefits is awesome, but thats not me. I just wish I could tell him. I wish he knew I wish so many things that will never come true. 😦

I wish I was the best thing out there for him, and Im afraid one day he will go off with someone amazing and I’ll be left alone wishing I would have told him. Unfortunately for me, I think he knows. He has to know, but then why does he keep me around?! Why I don’t want to be dragged down a road that will just leave me with bruises and scars… He says he doesn’t want a relationship, but seriously just give me a break.

Then again… I guess something is better then nothing.
Meaning I’d rather be around him wishing i had more, then never seeing him again wishing I hadn’t told him.

If finding myself was easy.

—– If finding myself was easy i would have done it long, long ago.

Its not, and i’m still here wondering:
Who am I? and what do I want?

Now, It’s 5 in the morning and I’m stuck in my thoughts.

I need to move away. Run, far far away.
I feel like I should start over somewhere. I must have gone wrong down the line or else I wouldn’t feel this way.

The bigger question is what do I want?

I spent most of my time worrying about everyone else. Their needs, their thoughts.. etc. I cared to much, and now I wonder if that was a bad thing. Now, people mistake this kindness and run over me with it. Bah.. here I go again stressing about “other” people.

I’m starting to wonder if I will ever come in the picture.

I give to much, maybe thats a bad thing. I end up hurt often. Its no wonder I’m so negative. I’ve put this all on myself. Once again, somewhere down the line I failed. I made a wrong turn, I suppose. Now, How do I get back? What road to take.

–So many questions. I have no answers to.

My mind is racing, I feel so many emotions right now. I want to write more, but some things are better left unsaid I suppose.

Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to write all my true thoughts, but until then they shall stay locked inside of me. Where only me, myself, and I can hear them scream. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before they’re loose, but we’ll see.

I’m stubborn.

Jumbled Thoughts.

Everyday I learn something new about myself.
This month has enlightened me so much. I don’t even know where to begin.

For starters, Do I even care about you anymore? Your scare tactics never worked with me.. only pushed me away. Now I question every day if this is even what I want. You insist on asking if there is someone else.. well I can’t even answer that question. I really don’t know. I don’t trust you. and I do believe you lie way to much. You aren’t the person I thought you were.. and that just makes me sad inside. Because I really thought it was different.. the feelings i shared were different.

Its true.. I get attached to easily. I grow to like someone way to fast. Especially if I can figure them out… see their true colors before anything else. Obviously if I fall.

It is my downfall.

Because now I wonder if that little spark is felt on both parts. Not just mine. I can’t tell. I can’t decipher these mixed emotions and such. I should probably just keep my hands to myself until all is sorted out. I can’t even believe i’m writing about this. I shouldn’t let someone else in so easily. I don’t trust. I don’t love so easy. I do fall but I can’t fully love that easy. Everything is a tactic to me. Every move, every thought. Its all a game to them. So I don’t trust. I just don’t want to get hurt again.

I do realize I am just a rebound. a sad sad rebound. but I can’t help but hope that when I think about it.. it isn’t true. But I know it is, and its starting to break me apart.

Bit by every little bit. I’m starting to feel something more then what I thought it would be. and I just know its not felt the same towards me. No matter how much I want it to be true.

I’m just lying to myself.