If I told you.

Its been awhile since I’ve written. Not a lot has changed if I do say so myself.

Its hard to think that you could spend 5 years with someone and some how its just so easy to put everything on hold with them for another. How? I honestly don’t know.
I just don’t understand my logic, brain, thoughts, emotions… anything, anymore.

If I could, I would give the world to someone. He would never know this. and he never will know this.
He makes me smile
Then he makes me cry.
He makes me feel on top of the world, but yet he can take that all away in moments.
He makes me feel like i can do anything.
Then he makes me feel like I will always be this.

Like I said though, he doesn’t know this, and he never will.

Certain reasons prevent me from ever expressing my feelings for him. I know its pathetic, but its true.

First of all, I don’t even think he likes me? Sure he may care for me, but not the way I care for him.
Secondly, I’m not good enough for him. Just looking at me, then looking at him, then taking a NICE long look at me one more time… anyone could see it.

Im shy.
Nerdy.
Odd.
According to him (unfortunately) I have no opinions.
Im bored.
Unordinary.
Not very smart.

It makes me sad thinking about it, but I just wish I could be everything for him. He doesn’t notice me.. even if he claims he does. 😦 I’m just Chelsea. Nothing more to it. I feel as if I’ll always be this person. I’m pretty sure I push him away everyday. Im so negative. I know he doesn’t want to be around it.

but then why does he? Why does he stay?

Sure i bet being friends with benefits is awesome, but thats not me. I just wish I could tell him. I wish he knew I wish so many things that will never come true. 😦

I wish I was the best thing out there for him, and Im afraid one day he will go off with someone amazing and I’ll be left alone wishing I would have told him. Unfortunately for me, I think he knows. He has to know, but then why does he keep me around?! Why I don’t want to be dragged down a road that will just leave me with bruises and scars… He says he doesn’t want a relationship, but seriously just give me a break.

Then again… I guess something is better then nothing.
Meaning I’d rather be around him wishing i had more, then never seeing him again wishing I hadn’t told him.

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