If finding myself was easy.

—– If finding myself was easy i would have done it long, long ago.

Its not, and i’m still here wondering:
Who am I? and what do I want?

Now, It’s 5 in the morning and I’m stuck in my thoughts.

I need to move away. Run, far far away.
I feel like I should start over somewhere. I must have gone wrong down the line or else I wouldn’t feel this way.

The bigger question is what do I want?

I spent most of my time worrying about everyone else. Their needs, their thoughts.. etc. I cared to much, and now I wonder if that was a bad thing. Now, people mistake this kindness and run over me with it. Bah.. here I go again stressing about “other” people.

I’m starting to wonder if I will ever come in the picture.

I give to much, maybe thats a bad thing. I end up hurt often. Its no wonder I’m so negative. I’ve put this all on myself. Once again, somewhere down the line I failed. I made a wrong turn, I suppose. Now, How do I get back? What road to take.

–So many questions. I have no answers to.

My mind is racing, I feel so many emotions right now. I want to write more, but some things are better left unsaid I suppose.

Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to write all my true thoughts, but until then they shall stay locked inside of me. Where only me, myself, and I can hear them scream. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before they’re loose, but we’ll see.

I’m stubborn.

Jumbled Thoughts.

Everyday I learn something new about myself.
This month has enlightened me so much. I don’t even know where to begin.

For starters, Do I even care about you anymore? Your scare tactics never worked with me.. only pushed me away. Now I question every day if this is even what I want. You insist on asking if there is someone else.. well I can’t even answer that question. I really don’t know. I don’t trust you. and I do believe you lie way to much. You aren’t the person I thought you were.. and that just makes me sad inside. Because I really thought it was different.. the feelings i shared were different.

Its true.. I get attached to easily. I grow to like someone way to fast. Especially if I can figure them out… see their true colors before anything else. Obviously if I fall.

It is my downfall.

Because now I wonder if that little spark is felt on both parts. Not just mine. I can’t tell. I can’t decipher these mixed emotions and such. I should probably just keep my hands to myself until all is sorted out. I can’t even believe i’m writing about this. I shouldn’t let someone else in so easily. I don’t trust. I don’t love so easy. I do fall but I can’t fully love that easy. Everything is a tactic to me. Every move, every thought. Its all a game to them. So I don’t trust. I just don’t want to get hurt again.

I do realize I am just a rebound. a sad sad rebound. but I can’t help but hope that when I think about it.. it isn’t true. But I know it is, and its starting to break me apart.

Bit by every little bit. I’m starting to feel something more then what I thought it would be. and I just know its not felt the same towards me. No matter how much I want it to be true.

I’m just lying to myself.